Dear Sir or Ma'am or Miscellaneous Entity

Dear United States Post Office:

2012-02-01T11:12:00.001-08:00

I wanted to start by saying that I really appreciate the fact that you deliver my mail almost everyday without fail. I like the way you encourage the mail people to smile and say 'hi' if I happen to be outside while they are delivering the mail, rocking their headphones and awesome shorts. And I like the fact that you have an automated machine that does almost everything for me at the post office, so I don't have to interact with any real humans.

Listen, I know it's been tough lately, wondering if you will get to stay open, trying to figure out how much you can raise stamp costs, laying off people left and right. i get it, you're going through a rough time. I mean, let's face it, after email became popular, you were probably all 'We're so Screwed!' And it all went downhill from there.

With all that said, I really just want to offer one tiny suggestion. Maybe when you have a line of over thirty people at your counter, you should call another person up instead of just making one poor post office worker handle it all. Because that one guy, that poor little dude got dumped all over the entire forty five minutes I wasn't hanging out in line. (Oh yeah, did I mention I was there is line for forty five minutes? Because I was.) Every time he called another person up to help them, he got an earful about how long the line was. And I guess it was just not within his job authority to go get someone else. And even though maybe four to five completely separate workers walked in and did something at the counter, thus seeing the situation their friend was in, they all went back to where they had come from and did not help.

If you could get some heads together and try to figure out how to solve some of these problems, particularly the whole 'waiting in line for 45 minutes' things, I can assure you I would love to get the word out about how awesome you have become.

Sincerely,

(I just wanted a roll of 100 stamps)

Dear Future Self:

2011-12-23T08:23:00.000-08:00

No matter how pretty you think the sparkly gift wrapping paper is at target next Christmas season, DO NOT buy it! You will be finding glitter on everything in your house from magazines to oranges to your cats. It will not be swiffered up, it will not be dust-busted. No matter how much you try, glitter will be everywhere.

Even if you convince yourself that you can do all the wrapping downstairs and therefore contain all sparkliness - it can't happen. It will get in your hair, in between your toes, and on your fingernails.

So I know that you can be somewhat of a raccoon and the silver paper with shiny, bright, sparkly snowflakes is tempting, don't do it. Just don't. It's not worth the glitter in the cat food later on.

Still vacuuming -

Dear Oriental Trading Company:

2011-12-06T16:11:00.000-08:00

Imagine my surprise when I opened up my mail today at my place of work, and found not one, not two, but seven December/January Catalogs from your company. That's right, seven of the exact same catalogs to one address. Three were addressed to the three former secretaries at the church (their employment ranging all the way back to when your company opened) one to the minister, one addressed straight up to just 'The Church', one to a member of the congregation that I am quite sure doesn't receive any of his other mail there, and one to me. (Which, by the way how did you know who I was? We haven't ordered anything from you in years, and I have never interacted with you.)

Anyway, the whole thing seems a little inefficient to me. Seven catalogs for one place? It seems a little excessive. I'm not one to tell you how to run your business, but six of those catalogs ended up straight in the recycling bin. I don't know how much money mailing a catalog is, but if you're doing this to more people than just us, I am sure that you could save quite a bit of money by consolidating.

I would call and tell you all this, but I am too busy mailing out the newsletters that we also email people and put out in hard copy in the foyer for people to pick up.

Wait a second . . .

Dear Facebook:

2011-12-02T07:26:00.000-08:00

I have never complained about any of your changes. I have never joined the groups entitled '5,000,000 to get Facebook to change back to it's old format' or 'Click here if you think the new Facebook sucks!' I understand that Facebook will once in a while have to change. And once in a while, it might be weird to figure out, or I might not like it. No one likes change, and hey, me especially.

But I really am kind of upset you won't automatically import my blog now. Because there are four authors, it was really neat to just have one place it posted all entries for us to read, and for our adoring public to read (all two of them). And now I have to do the work, instead of just sitting around and letting you do all the work, which has kind of been my Mode of Operation.

So consider this my one time to tell everybody that you are awful, your changes make me want to punch Mark Zuckerberg in the face, yada, yada, yada.

Unsincerely,

Dear Adam Sandler:

2011-11-13T20:47:00.001-08:00

You have to stop making movies. You have to stop. It's no good anymore, for anyone.

And this is coming from someone that still walks around and says things like 'Everybody knows that shampoo is better than conditioner, ' and 'Shtop Looking at me Schwann', and 'Peeing your pants is cool!'.

But seriously, the nineties are over and so are the years you had where it was feasible that you and Jennifer Anniston would fall in love. Just quit while you are (marginally) ahead, okay? Let us all remember you as Opera Man and the dude who made it onto alternative radio stations with a song called 'Lunch Lady Land'.

Did you know most people are saying that the reviews for your latest movie are funnier than the movie itself? It's just sad. And don't even get me started on your fascination with Kevin James, and the most awful two hours of my life that were called 'Don't mess with the Zohan' ( I was literally dragged to that one and gloated all the way home about how bad it was).

Just stop. Thanks.

-EB

Dear Schlotzsky's:

2011-11-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

I am just writing to inform you that I am sorry I wrote you off in high school 12 years ago - but you had olives on ALL of your sandwiches, and I don't do olives. So I blew you off, decided I wouldn't give you a second thought, and never visited you again.

Until today.

A co-worker who was pleased with work I did for her this week offered me lunch, and then said 'How about Schlotzsky's?' She is a lovely old lady and I couldn't turn her down so I thought, sure, I will just find something there.

Cue the Cranberry, Appl,e Chicken & Pecan salad.

I can't even explain the party in my mouth right now. Rosemary bread croutons, grilled chicken pieces, pecans, goat cheese, spinach, romaine lettuce and red wine vinaigrette. And to top it off, a whole apple, sliced into four pieces lying on top.

Seriously thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I am sorry I wrote you off all those years ago. I don't even know if you still do the olives in the sandwiches thing, but at this point, it does not matter.

Salivating slightly,

2011-10-28T18:52:00.000-07:00

Dear elderly handicapped driver,

Maybe don't text while you're driving on the highway.

Sincerely,
Becca

Dear Blue Cross & Blue Shield of Kansas City:

2011-10-25T20:10:00.000-07:00

If you are going to send me a questionnaire every month about having secondary insurance, then I am going to send it back every month empty, and then march over and fill it out on the internet every time. Why? I like the idea of making you pay for postage each month for no information from me.

Plus, if you look at what you are charging us each month for health insurance, and think we have any money left over for stamps, let alone MORE insurance, you have more problems collectively then paying 44 cents for my blank envelope.

You are killing me,

(and then making me pay through the nose for the medical bills afterwards)

-E

Dear Olive Garden

2011-08-09T11:53:00.000-07:00

I would like to state here and now that I think you are making up words that sound Italian but that are really nonsense. I mean, come on. Pastachetti? Gorgoletta? Mostoguini?

I for one, am not fooled.

Sincerely -
EB

Dear Guy at Target:

2011-06-08T14:06:00.000-07:00

There are very few acceptable reasons to storm into the store, go straight to a check-out clerk, interrupt her while she's checking a customer out, and ask to speak to the manager immediately. The list is as follows:

-You are on fire.
-Your car is on fire.
-Your car is gone.
-Someone is mugging an old lady outside.
-Target is on fire and no one knows it.

Here is the reason you gave, (after the scared clerk mumbled 'ok', called her manager over and asked if there was a problem while you both waited):

-'Yeah, I need to buy a keychain and I don't want to have to look all over the store for them.'

Do you see the difference?

Completely disgusted at your entitled attitude -
Emily
(who DID walk all over the store to try and find some ribbon, without once asking for a manager.)

Dear HGTV -

2011-06-06T15:23:00.000-07:00

I enjoy our show House Hunters, and I have for quite some time. I like seeing the different areas of the cities I have never been to. I like trying to guess what the real estate agent will show next. I even like betting on whether or not the couple/slash family will stay within the budget first stated. (Usually not.) ( "Hi, I'm the economy, have we met? No? Have you met my friend the housing market, he got in a little bit of trouble a while ago - didn't hear about it? Good. Good. Welcome home!")

I like seeing the three top choices that families have when looking for a new house, and I love picking the one I would move into. Although, this does end up with me yelling at the TV when a wrong (according to me) decision is made. ('But house #3 had hardwood floors and neutral bedroom colors!! NEUTRAL COLORS!!')

It is also a great TV show to have on when I am also perusing the interwebs or playing Word With Friends on my phone because I am interested but not that invested. Sometimes naps even occur while watching your show, but I don't view that as a bad thing.

What I am not ok with however, is the new version: House Hunters International.

I have never really seen a more pretentious show in my life.

I don't need to see a family from England looking for an extra vacation home in Fiji, or a couple from New York buying an estate in Sicily because someone's great-great-great grandmother grew up there and they want to connect with their heritage. (Why not just tell the truth and say you want the wine? There's no shame in that.)

In fact, here are recent things I have actually heard people say on House Hunters International:

'This view of the ocean is nice, but we'd really enjoy it if we also had an infinity pool in our backyard instead of a regular one.'

'I like the first house, but I think the second house would make my family more jealous.'

'If we have a child, all seven bedrooms might be a necessity.'

'We have to be close to the capital, in case the American President ever comes and visits.'

'If I can't walk to the beach in less than thirty steps, I am too far away from the beach.'

'I know I am in Italy and when people move out of their house in Italy it is totally normal and acceptable for them to take everything in the kitchen with them, but I am a whiny American and I want you to find me a house where they are willing to sell me everything including the mixer and knives and the clothes hamper in the third bathroom - and oh - did I tell you I am moving here because I want my family to embrace a new culture?'

(I might have made that last one up.)

Anyway, you get the idea. They are less than charming, and I find it hard to watch.

Because as it stands now, I tend to root against these people getting a house at all, let alone a four bedroom, three bathroom ocean-side villa in New Zealand.

Sincerely yours,
(Hope you are not mad about the sleeping part (seriously, not a bad thing!)),

Emily B
future star of House Un-hunters: Living in one house for fifty years and feelin' fine.

Dear Time Warner Cable:

2011-04-09T18:05:00.001-07:00

I saw a commercial today in which you were telling all your wonderful customers about how you were changing the line-up of your channels. The guy in the blue shirt who was telling me this seemed really excited about these big improvements coming. But here's what I say to you -

Stop. Messing. With. The. Channels.

Do you know this is the third time in three months that you have messed up my channels? Do you know that every time you mess with the line-up my TV is messed up for a week while I try to find the Food Network which is now 987 instead of 234? Do you know how annoying it is to search through the 200+ channels(because every channel is tripled on the line-up plus the HD version) trying to 'favorite' Comedy Central so I can watch The Colbert Report?

Not cool, Time Warner, not cool.

Sincerely,
Reading More books in KC

Dear City of Overland Park

2011-03-24T16:08:00.001-07:00

You may not accept my online first aid certification, but I am still gonna claim it for my taxes next year. And you should really put that in the ordinance - the fact that you don't accept certain kinds of certification.

Thanks for being jerks,
me

2011-01-13T11:54:00.001-08:00

Dear comcast, When you tell me you'll be at my house between 9am and 8pm, dont get mad at me if I'm not at home when you decide to show up. A girl's gotta work..and obviously can't do that at home when my internets broke..rude. T.t.y.l. -becca

Dear Santa:

2010-12-20T18:10:00.000-08:00

Could you please create a Ben Folds phone app. so that I can have him with me at all times? Maybe a dictionary app, so if we need to look a word up, we can hear him spell it, use it in sentence, etc. I would also settle for a Ben Folds voiced GPS.

Thank you and Merry Christmas,

becca

p.s. if you get me the phone app, I will also need a phone that has apps. thanks.

Dear Hasbro - makers of 'My Little Pony' figures -

2010-12-10T20:48:00.000-08:00

Why on Earth would you make your Christmas box set of five collectible ponies so unwrappable for the holidays?

I imagine somebody said 'Hey, you know what's reallly hard to wrap? A circle. Let's make our collectors box a circle!'

And then someone else just for fun added 'No, what's really hard to wrap is a circle that's not completely full. Like maybe 3/4 of a circle. That would be impossible.'

And then, because you hate Christmas, you decided to do it.

You owe me $4.99 for the big red bag I had to buy.

-E

Dear Women of the world:

2010-11-04T17:03:00.000-07:00

I know that to some of you this may be hard to hear - but from what I gather by observing every time I go to a department store (or Target,) this just has to be said.

Step away from the clothing racks in the Juniors Department.

Number one - the sizes here will make you feel incredibly big. You are not really the size those clothes will tell you that you are.
Number two - there are a lot of things that a 13 year old can wear that you or I cannot carry off. Trust me when I say this. Examples include T-shirts with Children's Shows' characters on them, jean leggings, and striped sweater socks.
Number three - the clothes do not have room for ample-bossomed ladies. Not that I am one, I am just letting them know.
Number four - Stacey and CLinton from What Not to Wear and Tim Gunn would not approve of you being in the Junior's Department, and isn't that enough for anybody?

Sincerely,
a woman who had to learn this lesson for herself.

Dear Facebook

2010-10-07T08:08:00.000-07:00

I really don't like how you keep trying to covertly get all up in my mix. Quit trying to publish my phone number, my dating histories, my photos, my address, and where I got my coffee this morning. It's invasive, unnecessary, and creepy. Additionally, NO ONE F****** CARES WHERE I BUY GROCERIES.

MYOB,

Me.

Dear Tom Cruise:

2010-06-28T18:04:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to say that I am actually sincerely sorry your new movie 'Knight and Day' did not do well at the box office this past weekend. I wanted you to know that I actually saw the movie and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Sure, you've done some pretty weird things, and said some pretty weird things, and we probably don't even know half of it. But it seems that as a country we just can't seem to get past your antics and see you as a character in a movie.

I admit I wouldn't ever really want to talk to you in person, and I might actually be afraid and switch to the other side of the sidewalk if I saw you walking towards me. But that's no reason to not see your movie. I think.

Still love Top Gun,
me

Dear people of the employed world:

2010-05-20T19:23:00.000-07:00

In my life of 'serial employment' (which is, of right now, quite stable) I have had several jobs. Some great, some not so great. In either case, even if I did not like the job, or the job did not like me (I'm looking at you, crazy day spa lady) I learned great lessons. I would like to pass these lessons onto you, in the hope that in doing so, you, a professional in your own right, might be helped in some way.

Our first lessons involve this question:

'Emily, how do I know if I have accepted a job on a sinking ship, (i.e. a company going under?)'

Well - here are some things that should worry you if you see them in your new place of employment.

1. On your first day of work, you meet another employee who says "My name is _____, but don't worry about learning it, because this is my last day in this place."

2. When you are choosing your workspace, it takes a while because there are several available desks/rooms.

3. There is dust on the fake plant in the bathroom. As well as the kleenex box cover and the soap pump. And the picture frame. And nothing to dust with.

4. You can never order duplicate supplies for your job. When you ask why, the answer is that there is not enough cash flow for more than one box of staples at a time.

5. The owner mans the phones because they haven't hired a replacement for the last receptionist, and nobody can get up enough courage to ask when they will hire a new one.

6. Also, when the owner goes to lunch, you have to man the phones because of the whole 'lack-of-receptionist' thing.

7. You can plan an hour nap here or there because you are not that busy.

8. A lot of your supplies have been bought for yourself by yourself.

9. The second bathroom has never been used by anybody, there is never enough spillover from the first one. And even if they wanted to use the second bathroom, they couldn't because the toilet has been broken since before you started working there.

10. No one is hired after you, even though people are slowly disappearing left and right.

11. You can't throw out the stained towels because then you wouldn't have any towels at all. And no, you can't buy any new ones due to the aforementioned 'cash flow' problem.

12. The owner has an office, but is never in there. Mostly because he/she is looking at MySpace and Facebook all day on the front computer.

13. When you think of a great marketing strategy to reach out to clients with a personalized mailing, you are told 'Oh yeah, we have some postcards around here somewhere. Maybe in your room? You can look for them.'

14. Light bulbs are of no importance. If one of yours blows out, you just shuffle bulbs around from another workspace. Just take one from the pedicure/manicure room, because in the three months you have worked there, nobody has booked a pedicure or manicure. In fact, come to think of it, you don't think there is a person on staff who can do nails at all.

and for the kicker:

11. A co-worker pulls you aside and tells you in these exact words "This place has been a sinking ship for months now. If I was you, I would be looking for a new job"

And that, my friends, is just one of my many ghosts-of-jobs-past. Stay tuned for next week's installment - 'Emily, how can I make working at a call center more entertaining?' (Hint: Not much)

Here's to helping you while being able to laugh at my own weird jobs-
and of course, yours sincerely,
me.

2010-05-10T21:07:00.001-07:00

Dear people who make 'relaxation music' for a living to sell to spas, massage places, and such-

There are some things that are not relaxing and therefore, should not be included in your music. One such noise would be a dolphin call. To an untrained ear, this sounds like a cat fight, or a baby screaming. Neither of those things are relaxing to anybody. I can think of a lot more noises I have heard while listening to 'relaxing' music on our xfm station that are disturbing, but for right now, let's just leave out the screaming dolphins.
Sincerely,
A massage therapist that is forced to listen to your music

Dear Yahoo Sports:

2010-03-14T16:09:00.000-07:00

I appreciate that you give me my sports news in a timely and wonderful manner. I like not having to navigate through espn.com sometimes when it is is bogged down with stories and articles I don't care about. But as far as this picture is concerned:

Do you hate KU? Or just Sherron Collins?

Sincerely -
somebody who's got better pictures of Sherron on her phone then you have got on your front page.

Dear Writers, Producers, Cast and Crew of 'Lost':

2010-03-10T13:42:00.001-08:00

Still more questions that answers, my friends. Way more questions than answers.

Just waiting -
me

Dear Target Corp:

2010-02-03T13:40:00.000-08:00

Well Hello!!

I just wanted to let you know that it might be time to rethink your posters at the end of the check-out aisles that talk about 'Doing Good in the Community'.

It's not that I don't believe you, or that I think the posters are ugly, it's simply a matter of poor graphic design at the bottom of the poster. Your poster advertises that you 'Do Good' with a '%' sign in the middle. But in one of the circles there is a five, to get the message across that 5% of your retail sales go to the community.

I get it, I understand what you are going for, but it looks like your message is 'Do only 5% good, the other %95 is up to you.'

It makes me giggle silently to myself every time.

Just looking out for you,
me

Dear Dr. Oz,

2010-01-02T18:03:00.000-08:00

Remember when we first met you on Oprah? and you were this nice doctor man that everyone trusted with their most personal questions and then afterwards everyone felt like they learned something, and also felt a little embarrassed for the people asking the questions? Those were good times. Now you have gotten a little more famous, gotten your own show, (congrats)..but I think you have changed Dr. Oz, and here is what my main issue is..

Your television promos are scarier than the evening news promos.. You know the ones where they're like, "What are you feeding your children for dinner that might be giving them swine flu?...Tune in at 10." Because when you tell me that "Everyone has cancer" and you are going to tell us how to save our lives on your afternoon show, or that something I do everyday might be killing me..or I probably have some weird disease and won't know it till it's too late..

1. That doesn't make me feel good about life.

2. It makes me think you are a cruel liar who uses scare tactics to get ratings.

3. It tells me not to watch your show because it will just kick my hypochondria into full gear, and that's not good for my health.

Can't we just go back to the time when we came to you when we had concerns about our health? Instead of being scared to death of what will happen if we don't watch daytime tv?

Here's to a healthy 2010,

Becca

Dear Dwayne Bowe, of the Kansas City Chiefs:

2009-11-29T19:52:00.001-08:00

It's too bad that those 'performance enhancing drugs' that you were taking and got suspended for didn't actually enhance your performance. I mean really, if you're going to get caught, at least make it because you had a game with 22 catches for 224 yards and 6 touchdowns, and people are suspicious.

Absolutely not shocked,
me

Dear Facebook-

2009-11-29T19:47:00.000-08:00

No, I will not 'become a fan' of Walmart, thank you.

-Emily B

Dear Lady at Target:

2009-09-22T23:26:00.000-07:00

Here are some words and phrases that I think you should learn. And after you learn them, you should start teaching them to your kids - because they have obviously never heard them.

1. No
2. Stop
3. Come back here
4. Put that down
5. Don't
6. Unacceptable
7. Don't hit me
8. Don't hit your sister
9. Don't hit strangers
10. No stealing
11. Don't throw things
12. You cannot have candy
13. You cannot have a toy
14. You cannot have a puppy, they don't sell them at Target anyway
15. Timeout
16. Punishment
17. Consequences
18. Rules
19. Be polite
20. No

Sincerely -
the lady your child tried to hit.

Letters concerning the VMA's two nights ago:

2009-09-14T21:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Kermit the Frog-
You know I love you, boo. But what on Earth were you doing kissing Lady Gaga so many times last night? Although she did reach muppet-like heights in both her costume and make-up attire, I just don't see a future for you two. I'll bet Piggy was trying to do more than just read your poker face when you got home.

Keeping you g-rated-
me

Dear Russell Brand -

You are not funny, or entertaining. Or for that matter, a good human being.

Sincerely -
Everybody in the ENTIRE WORLD!

Dear Kanye West -
Please never stop being you. I mean really, was anything as entertaining last night as you hauling your drunk self up onstage and proclaiming that Beyonce had the best video ever right in the middle of Taylor Swift's acceptance speech? No, nothing was better than that. We all know that you get upset when you don't win, but adding a tantrum when people you think should have won don't is true brilliance. Please don't stop ever. What will the world talk about without you and your shenanigans?

Maintaining your street cred -
me

Dear Madonna -

You look like Sharon Stone.

Quit with the surgery-
me

Dear Brett Farve, Fav-re, FARRve, Favre,

2009-08-18T18:20:00.000-07:00

Ok. I wasn't really surprised by the news that you decided to come out of "retirement" again. And I don't really care one way or another. But, you do know that eventually you will have to retire for real, and people won't want you to be their quarterback anymore.. it is going to happen... you will have to say that you are going to stop playing football. And then STOP playing football. and then some pathetic team like the Chiefs (just kiddin' chiefies, i loves you) will offer you a deal to come play for them for a season, even though you decided to "retire" and you are going to have to be strong and say "No, I decided to STOP playing football now." And then you can have all the joys of being a retired football legend like being a sports commentator and going on Dancing with the Stars!! You may not get a superbowl ring this season Brett, but that disco ball trophy awaits you!

But until then, I just want you to be happy Brett Favre.

.. and I want the Chiefs to beat you this weekend.

#4 forever! (seriously, he's going to play forever.),

-me

Dear producers, hosts, writers and whoever else wants to credit for that show they call 'The View'-

2009-07-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

I used to watch your show quite a bit when it first started. I thought it was clever, and entertaining. Now granted, as the years have passed, and the quality of your show has decidedly gone downhill, I have stopped watching due to classes, jobs, and in general having a life.

However, in the last few weeks, I have had some time off from a summer job, and I decided one day to give your show a try.

I should have know better.

The show was annoying for all the regular reasons. You yelled at each other and talked over each other. You insulted people who weren't there to defend themselves. You gave misinformation. And after all that, I decided to stay tuned, because you were going to feature people from a A&E show called 'Obsessed" which chronicles the real-life struggles of people with OCD.

I, myself, have OCD, and I have found this show amazing, scary, and informative all at the same time. I was interested in seeing some of the people talk about their therapy and their different phobias and rituals.

Once again, I should have known better.

You never gave them a chance. You had two people on the show who had OCD and you belittled their disorder, you made fun of the treatment methods the Doctors used with them, and you never let them complete their sentences. You reduced OCD into nothing more than something to laugh at, and something that is 'weird' and 'other'.

So congratulations, Barabara Walters and crew, for making those of us out here with OCD who aren't diagnosed or in treatment ashamed of what we have, or making others of us just extremely pissed and what you did on the show last week. Thanks for giving people no hope, for giving people no information that was factual, and thanks for sensationalizing and villianizing what could be a very helpful show for people.

And just to clear up some of the misinformation you gave out so willingly - having an organized closet does not automatically diagnose you with OCD, people with OCD aren't always obsessed or afraid of germs like you insinuated, and radical treatments like having a man put trash in his hands or on his face may sound 'weird' to you, but are life-changing, research driven methods of helping people overcome a really crappy way they have been living life.

Perhaps you should research something before you pretend to be an expert, or perhaps you should actually let some of the experts you invite on the show talk for once. Believe it or not, I am way more interested in what the Doctor with a PHD has to say about my problem that you, Whoopi Goldberg, or Joy Behar.

I am never watching your show again. I don't care if Rosie O'Donnell comes back and eats Elizabeth Hasselback, I'll just watch the recap on 'The Soup' and watch Joel McHale laugh at all of you.

Never been quite so angry -
Me

Dear Arby's:

2009-06-27T19:58:00.001-07:00

I love your French Dip and Swiss Sandwich -

But not enough to wait 23 minutes in a drive through line.

Sincerely -
Still Hungry.

Dear Neighbor -

2009-06-24T08:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Neighbor -
I am just dropping you a note to let you know that your fixation on annoyingly loud cars is very strange to me. It started with a little red thing that apparently had no muffler whatsoever. What I could never understand is why it continued to have no muffler for weeks, months, years. Did you like how loud it was? Did you enjoy that at 6:00 every morning to could put the pedal to the floor and literally wake the entire neighborhood up? Because really, I would be embarrassed. Everything was fine when you got rid of that car, and we thought everything was back to normal, but then you brought home the black car with flames that is currently idling right outside my house and shaking my windows. And if that's not enough, you insist on running the engine all the time, at all hours so that you can work on the engine. Newsflash: If the car sounds that bad, there is no help.

So here's the deal: you stop buying loud annoying cars, and I will pretend to ignore the fact that your kids pee in the backyard. Deal?

Your friendly neighbor -
me

Dear NBC Action News Team:

2009-05-07T19:40:00.001-07:00

THANKS. A LOT. FOR AIRING THE ENTIRE THURSDAY NIGHT LINE-UP EXCEPT FOR THE OFFICE...If I hadn't been so angry and yet still unable to find the energy to look up your phone number, I would have thanked you personally over the phone. Just be happy that my dog looked too cute sleeping on my lap and wondering why I was screaming at the weatherman for me to move him and call you guys. Seriously, can you not pick up programming from the point in which, 30 seconds into my favorite show you replaced the punchline of the joke with Gary Lezak's face and proceeded for 28 and 1/2 minutes to say things that could have scrolled silently across the tv? (which you did, by the way, across the faces of 30 Rock characters that were unfortunately placed too close to the top of the screen.) I will end my letter now, but not because I can't think of more things to say to you, but because unlike your late-breaking weather updates I know how to quickly make my point and THEN STOP TALKING! Now give me my OFFICE!

Sincerely,

So mad at you I can't even think of an interesting sign off

Letters to reality TV shows

2009-03-06T13:18:00.000-08:00

Dear ABC/The Bachelor/Chris Harrison:

Did you really need to take up four whole hours this week with your show? I mean, I know it was officially 'The most dramatic Finale ever' and everything, but seriously. Four hours?

Look, I can write it in three sentences: Jason was a good guy everyone loved, so they gave him his own show where he could hook up with as many girls as he wanted with no consequences. Turns out Jason is a Douchebag and in addition to getting way more than his 15 minutes of fame, also gets a lot of money from ABC to propose to one girl, and then break up with her and switch to another girl in front of millions of viewers. Oh yeah, and the next bacholorette is from Canada.

See?

Succinctly summing up your show -
me

Dear Chris Harrison/Host of above-mentioned show:

I really want to know if you're as invested in these people on your show as you say you are, and as you appear to be. It's kind of like while these people are looking for love, you're auditioning for new best friends. I have to say dude, it's a little weird/pathetic.

And the fact that you are getting SO worked up about defending the show against all the conspiracy theories and the people saying it doesn't work (How many succesful couples out of 16 seasons? 1.) is just boggling. Just maybe get another job, take a vacation? Just suggesting.

Sincerely-
me

Dear American Idol-
Every time that new judge opens her mouth all I hear at home is 'I am important, and therefore will talk forever about really generic things. Don't interrupt me, I am still talking.' And what's weird is, it's not my TV with the problem, it's her face.

Figured it out -
me

Dear American Idol Judges -

If when you say to someone 'You have too much of a musical theatre voice' you really mean 'You have an amazing voice and are way too good for this competition.' Then yes, I agree with you when you say that to contestants. Even if you say it like it's a bad thing.

Theatrically yours-
me

Dear Makers of Homestyle Two-Bite Cupcakes:

2009-02-19T12:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Sir or Madam, or both:

I just wanted to inform you that your cupcakes are at least three or four bites big. And I think my mouth is pretty normal sized. Perhaps we should just call them mini-cupcakes, and then we don't force anybody to put more in their mouth than possible.

Just a suggestion.

Respectfully,
me

Dear dude running down the street:

2009-02-02T20:55:00.001-08:00

If you are wearing a stocking hat, a scarf, a big coat and gloves, perhaps your bun huggers are not that appropriate for the bottom portion of your ensemble.

Come to think of it, I don't think bun huggers are ever an appropriate choice for clothing.

Just watching out for you -
me

Dear Work Ethic:

2009-01-26T20:52:00.000-08:00

Alas, it seems like you and I will have to part ways for a while, because the more I hang out with you, the more everybody else sees me as a person that can do all the crap they can't get done. And the more I pronounce you faithfully as a friend, the more 'new jobs' I get added to my job description. And sadly, every time I come back from a great time spent with you, new projects have magically appeared on my desk, in my inbox, and in my boss's head for me.

So here's the deal, trusty friend, I can only see you in secret, when nobody is really watching. If I'm out in public again with you, I think I might start having to take a larger does of Prozac, due to the unusually large quantities of work that will find their way to me. But don't worry, I will be back in full force soon. It's not a break-up, it's a trial-separation.

Sincerely,
The overwhelmed and overworked girl who started out as temp and three weeks later has more responsibility than half the people in her building.

Dear Ladies at the Post Office:

2009-01-09T13:00:00.000-08:00

A couple of things:

1.If I am the only person in the lobby with you, and you are talking in a normal volume, chances are, I can hear you. Especially when I catch snippets of the conversation that are about me. Like ‘That purse is really orange, isn’t it Bertie?’ or ‘do you think that purse is real crocodile? How do they get Crocodile in orange?’ Or my favorite ‘It’s too bright of a color, I think. I wouldn’t use it. It’s too much.’

Great. You wouldn’t have bought my bag. Good to know. In fact, I am so concerned about what you think about my purse, that I will immediately go out and buy something in a muted pastel blue. Or even better, the least offensive of all the beige ones I can find. And when I do, I will come back in, turn my back to fill out a label, and hope that you have another conversation about how wonderful my purse is so this time I can be validated as a human being.

2.Secondly, when I tell you that I’m trying to get my envelope to it’s destination the next day, that is not an opportunity for you to pluck another 12 dollars from the pocket of my recently unemployed-and-just-found-a-temporary-job-but-haven’t-received-a-paycheck-yet self.

I shouldn’t have to find out from another employee that there’s no need for that express mail package I just worked ten minutes on, and that first class mail will get there in one day because it’s so close to our zip code. Seriously? Why couldn’t your co-worker offer up this information instead of barely flicking her glance up off of her computer screen and then telling me completely erroneous facts in a tone suggesting that I was barely worth the time it took to speak them?

3.When I am standing right in front of you and you roll your eyes, I can most definitely see it.

4.I’m sincerely sorry you hate your job. I’m sincerely sorry you seem to dislike people in general. In fact, I’m sincerely sorry that I ever walked into your particular post office expecting to mail a letter. I mean really, what kind of gall must I have?

Sincerely –
The Fiesty Brunette.

Dear Carl Peterson:

2008-12-16T20:03:00.000-08:00

It's about time, you SOB!!!!

Thrilled -
me ( and the rest of KC)

Dear Beyonce/Sasha Fierce:

2008-12-05T07:41:00.000-08:00

If he liked it, then he probably WOULD'VE put a ring on it. Did you ever think about that?

So very tired of your song in my head-
me

Dear Whoopi Goldberg's Wardrobe Stylist on The View:

2008-11-24T12:26:00.001-08:00

Who are we kidding?, I'm gonna go ahead and assume she fired you after her first week on the show and has been dressing herself ever since...and I'll just redirect this to the lady herself.

Dear Whoopi:

First of all, I totally get that you are Whoopi Goldberg. You've had a long, successful career and have earned our respect. And I totally understand that because of all that, you can pretty much do whatever you want. And who wouldn't want to wear jeans, sweats and over-sized t-shirts to work everyday?

Here's all I'm saying:

1. Your work consists of interviewing famous and/or "important" people on national television.

2. 9 times out of 10 when I turn on your show, I am better dressed than you are, and that includes days I have off when I am still in my pajamas.

3. You are probably good buddies with Tony Bennett, but when he's standing there singing all classy in his suit and you walk over in your graphic tee, I just feel like something is wrong. I mean if anyone should be allowed to dress like a hobo, it would be Tony Bennett, the guy is freaking Tony Bennett and he still gets dressed up for your dog and pony show, the least you could do is return the favor. *(no offense to dog and pony shows, or hobos)

4. Maybe just a nice structured jacket? Some nice slacks?

Not enjoying your view,

Dear Kansas City Chiefs' Cheerleaders:

2008-11-24T08:57:00.000-08:00

If it's cold enough to wear your big puffy down coats, perhaps you ahouls also be wearing some pants instead of your bikini bottoms. Just sayin'.

Sincerely -
One of the few Chiefs' fans left.

Dear small horrible little car that doesn't know how to signal:

2008-11-22T11:12:00.000-08:00

Your bumper sticker that reads, "No Fat Chicks: Car will scrape" tells me two things.

1. You are a tool bag.
2. And also, you are a really big tool bag.

Happy Holidays,
the car you apparently didn't mind if it ran it to the back of you as you abruptly stopped in the middle of the road, without signaling

Dear tasteless truck-drivers,

2008-11-21T07:37:00.000-08:00

(As suggested by Cygnus...)

Come, come, now. Let's be reasonable. You are a tool.

The earth will experience more than one ice age before I roll down my window on the highway and give my phone number to you, despite your waving and nodding, and the fact that you've been driving adjacent to me for the past mile and a half. Why? Because you are a tool. How do I know this? Easy.
1. You have a sticker on your window that says "My other toy has tits."
2. You have empty boxes of Natural Light in your truck bed.
3. You have bull testicles hanging from your hitch. Which, of course, means that your balls are showing. And no matter the situation, all other things being equal, if I can say to you "Excuse me, but your balls are showing." I've gained the upper hand. Indefinitely.

Sincerely (singing),

Nevagonnagetitnevagonnagetit

Dear FAFSA

2008-11-21T07:28:00.000-08:00

I hate you. I wish I could understand your cruel, cold-hearted ways. How you give me the run-around for days with your hundreds of forms and ugly fill-in-the-blanks. You stare blankly back at me when I yell at you. And then, after all we've been through together, you tell me that you expect me to contribute 44% of my annual income to my education. What are you, a sub-prime mortgage!?

Bastard.

Sincerely,

Future MPA, no thanks to you.

Dear Dr. Pepper:

2008-09-30T13:13:00.000-07:00

(Concerning your current 1:6 Football Under the Cap Game)

A free Dr.Pepper wallpaper screensaver is not a FANtastic prize.

It's actually really lame.

Surprised you didn't know that,
me

Dear Walgreens:

2008-09-30T08:42:00.000-07:00

I think that every year we have this conversation. It seems that you don't listen to me Walgreens. I know you enjoy Halloween, and that you try to get a big push in sales this year, but the depths you're going to - well - let's just say that you're getting desperate, Walgreens. And no one likes a needy drug store.

The flying ghouls, the severed heads, the creppy sound effects in every corner, the fake cobwebs covering food and make-up items, the spider rings, the tombstones, the pumpkins. It's only the beginning. Why do you feel like you have to try so hard? You know that you are the only drug store for me, but when fall comes around, well, you're just a bit clingy. I know that if I need Halloween candy you're right down the street. I know that you carry an assortment of Halloween decorations, you don't have to fly them at me, or put them in every aisle to make sure I have enough life-like tombstones with real sound effects for my yard.

I don't need your black and orange Christmas lights for my house, I won't need a black cat pillow for my couch, and I certainly do not need a 12 foot ringwraith flying in my yard. Thanks, but no thanks, Walgreens, on your holiday to nowhere.

-Blech.
-Me.

Dear person who won't admit to liking "Dancing with the Stars":

2008-09-15T19:15:00.001-07:00

Don't judge me. We all have our tv shows and other televised events that we love even though other people may not. There are many things I don't watch because I just don't have any desire to: (CSI, NCIS, Law and Order, any type of wrestling, LOST). And there are shows that I don't watch because they make me feel sad on the inside (The Hills, Supernanny). There are many things I often find myself watching and I don't know why: (Days of our Lives, The Bachelor, Nancy Grace, Chiefs football games..ooh snap.) and then there are the shows that give me so much entertainment, I want to watch every episode: (The Office, Project Runway, and yes, Dancing with the Stars). I can't explain why (besides the crazy outfits, live music, professional ballroom dancers that are insanely good, and "celebrities" who are vaguely familiar becoming bff with other slightly more familiar"celebrities" on live television), but I'm hooked. and yes, I do know when the new season is starting (September 22nd) and I could tell you who most of the celebrities participating are. (I'm already rooting for Misty May Traenor). You don't have to watch it, you don't have to like it, but don't look down at me and pretend that you haven't seen an episode and been amused by a D-List celeb trying to do the cha cha cha, or that you don't have an equally embarrassing show that you watch (American Idol), b/c I heard you share your opinion on Archuleta vs. Cook a few months ago. So let me just enjoy my Monday (and Tuesday elimination) nights. Like I told you this morning, "I like my Dancing with the Stars."

Dear Mr. Creeper,

2008-09-11T20:10:00.000-07:00

No, thank you for the compliment. No, thank you to the offer. No, I do not want to give you a nickname. What was that you just ordered? You want me to put honey in your coffee? Do you just like to hear me say 'honey'? Ass. Stop touching my hand. Stop talking to me. Take your drink and go. You should know, that from now on, I will do my best to see to it that we never speak face-to-face again.

And no, thank you, I don't want to come over and watch your kid.

Hold my hand again, you'll lose it-

Me

Dear John McCain:

2008-09-04T13:50:00.000-07:00

What exactly are you trying to say when you say you are the 'Original Maverick'? If by saying that, you hope to evoke images of you and Mel Gibson gambling and sleeping your way all over the Wild West with James Garner and Jodi Foster, then congratulations, that's exactly what comes to mind every time I hear your commercials.

Sincerely -
Confused American Citizen.

Dear Project Runway:

2008-08-04T12:54:00.000-07:00

I am not simply writing a letter about my dissappointment in the current season of your show. That letter would be far, far too long and it exhausts me just thinking about. Instead, here are some ways that you, Project Runway can redeem yourself to us, your loyal viewers..more specifically, me. Here are 10 suggestions. (B.T.W.-I would like to see these implemented tonight!)

1. Stop making Tim Gunn miserable. He seems stressed out and depressed this season. If Tim Gunn isn't happy, no one is happy. If Tim is concerned, we are concerned, if he is sad and unimpressed with the designers, we probably are too. Get it? Last week he was self-conciously wearing a rain jacket and then later actually said the phrase "Holler at your boy", that is a cry for help.

2. Either Suede stops talking or he is auf'd. Becca doesn't like that Suede talks in third person EVERY TIME he speaks, Becca thinks Suede could be talented, but she doesn't care because he is featured on the show too much being annoying. Becca thinks it was amusing the first time and now she just wants to throw things at the tv whenever she sees his face. Do I need to continue? didn't think so.

3. Better Guest Judges. Maybe someone that has something to do with fashion. (although i did see that Apollo Anton Ohno is on tonight and I'm pretty excited about that.)

4. maybe show less of Blayne's creepy tan-face

5. Challenges that haven't been done in one of your 4 previous seasons.

6. Please introduce me to Joe, that other guy, and any other designers you've been hiding so far this season. It's weird to not see or hear from contestants all episode long until their outfit walks out on the runway. Maybe you think they aren't good t.v., but you picked them to be on the show, so could you stop hiding them from us?

7. I can't tell the difference between Jennifer and oh crap, the other brown haired girl that looks exactly the same except one of them wears glasses sometimes. LeAnn! I can't tell the difference between Jennifer and LeAnn. So, do something about that.

8. Stop the "leathuh" and the pleathuh and the talking about leathuh, everybody just stop!

9. I never thought I'd ask to see a group challenge, but they are usually a lot less boring than what we've been watching the past few weeks, so bring it on!

10. I don't really have a tenth suggestion right now, but I'll just throw this idea out there, how about replacing Nina with Austin Scarlett? He'd be a lot more entertaining and he's pretty.

Dear Panera Bread,

2008-07-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

Why do you always give me the butt-end of the baguette? For once, I would like to taste the warm, sweet delight of the middle.

kiss my crusty butt(end-of-the-baguette),

me

Dear Work Telephone That I am Required to Answer Per My Job Description:

2008-07-11T12:12:00.000-07:00

Could you stop doing the thing where you are completely silent until I decide to leave my desk? It's like everything's fine but then and I stand up to leave and you're all, "Oh no, Becca's trying to go do something more interesting! Must. Make. Noise." So childish. Do you enjoy making me look like a slacker who's avoiding her duties? Whatever, I'm leaving my cubicle now. Don't freak out.

BRB,

me

Dear 27 year old Actor playing the lead in Disney's 'High School Musical' at the Local Theatre, reprising a role first done by Zac Efron:

2008-07-07T18:17:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry, dude.

Embarrassed for you-
me

Dear Big A** Fans

2008-06-29T22:04:00.000-07:00

Dear BigA**Fans,

Thank you for your entertaining billboard on I-35 to make me giggle on my homeward commute every day. However, you should know that while I appreciate your comedic boldness, I will not be buying a fan from a company that has a donkey's caboose as it's logo. Sorry.

Joke's on you,

Cool enough already

Dear Guy in the Blue Pick-Up Truck

2008-06-27T12:11:00.000-07:00

As I pulled up next to your truck last evening on the way home from work, I have to admit, I was already a bit cranky. I was sick, I was tired, and had a headache the size of a small continent. I really didn't take too much notice of you at all, until you did something that I almost choke thinking about : You spit. Out the window. ON. MY. CAR.

You may not have noticed. I mean, heck, I have trouble seeing large car-sized objects all the time, especially when they are right next to me. How were you to know that other cars would actually drive on the road at the same time as you and you should LOOK before you decide to make the side of the road (or anywhere for that matter) your personal spitoon.

I can't imagine what a poor germophobe would've done with your loogie on their car. I'm bad enough about spit, I can't type the word loogie without wanting to throw up, let alone look at such a thing. I can't even share a spoon with my husband most of the time because I hate spit that much. So imagine what a stranger's spit must do to me. I can't even type anymore, because I'm fighting my gag reflex too hard. (seriously, my eyes are watering).

So let's just say that on top of everything else that yesterday threw at me, your spit in the wind was just not called for.

Not Charmed,
Me

Letters Concerning This Morning's News:

2008-06-19T09:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Meredith Veira:

I'm guessing your interview this morning with the lady who is suing Victoria's Secret because of a faulty thong, which injured her, wasn't a career highlight for you. I also gathered from your obvious annoyance (which I completely understand), you would have rather been talking to anyone else at that moment. I never realized there was a way to roll your eyes without actually doing so, purely through facial expression, until I watched your reaction this morning..impressive. And she totally bought it too. She completely thought you really said "Thank you." at the end of the interview when in fact, your facial expression was clearly saying (and loudly) "Get a life". You are gifted. Seriously, if I had to ask questions like, "So, had you worn the thong before?", I wouldn't exactly be psyched about my job either. Did it take you back to your days on "The View"? Don't worry, this slow news day too, shall pass.

I like you more than Katie Couric,

me

Dear Woman who is suing Victoria's Secret:

Really? You bought a jeweled thong, wore it a couple times (which we know thanks to Veira's interview skills), and then cut your eye when the jewel popped off the next time you decided to wear it. Why should anyone care about this? You are apparantly healthy and free from any long term injury. Maybe you should have tried wearing an eye-patch when you were on tv this morning with your lawyer. Yep, you should have worn an eye-patch and seemed less excited to be on tv. But I still would have thought you were ridiculous.

"Thank you",

me

Dear Whoopi Goldberg:

2008-06-16T13:02:00.000-07:00

The Tony Awards were not your best work.

Sincerely,
Probably not the only person who didn't laugh once at your ridiculous schtick.

Dear Bo and Hope Brady:

2008-06-03T14:35:00.000-07:00

Thanks for sharing your advice today on how to "go green" and be more energy efficient. For a moment I thought I was watching a lecture rather than my lunch time soap opera and I half expected Al Gore to pop out from around the corner of the Brady Pub with some of his helpful hints.
And thanks for mentioning (more than once) how you have always been environmentally conscious, especially Bo.."the jolly green giant", I believe is how you referred to him. Funny, I've never noticed that about you guys in the past twenty-billion episodes of the show. But then again, since no one in Salem is ever seen driving a car, you guys probably have a smaller carbon footprint than the rest of us.
But in all seriousness, I really admire the fact that despite all that is going on in your life you make the time to do everything on the eco-friendly checklist. It just goes to show that even if your husband is recovering from a high risk partial pancreatic transplant surgery while at the same time dealing with the guilt of knowing his daughter who donated part of her pancreas could be facing serious health problems and leaves treatment early to rescue you from a deranged psychotic ex-lover of your friend with one eye (whose name is "Patch"), who thinks you are Patch's pregnant wife, therefore holding you hostage, and you go along with it to protect your friend...even if you are going something like this, and you finally are returned to one another safely...you still take the time to focus on the three R's. Reduce, Re-use, Recycle. Thanks Bo and Hope (and NBC), for showing that there is no excuse not to be environmentally conscious.

Sincerely,

your 12:00-12:20pm viewer/ someone who needs to step it up a notch,

P.S. Jon Black, thanks for being so hilarious now that you have amnesia and are a total jerk to everyone. You are no less creepy but 100% more entertaining.

Dear Tom Cruise:

2008-06-03T12:26:00.001-07:00

Your attempt to make me like you by appearing on the MTV movie awards on Sunday night did not even come close to that goal. In fact, it was perhaps one of the more awkward things I've seen you do (and I saw parts of Eyes Wide Shut, thankyouverymuch.) I don't believe for a second you are actually friends with Adam Sandler, nor do I believe that Adam Sandler was flatterd that you showed up and introduced him anyway. To me, you will always remain the creepier, arrogant half of an already whacked out couple. Even though I liked you in The Firm, a Few Good Men, Top Gun, and even Samuri, I will never like you personally. That thing with Oprah? That didn't help either, because I'm not particularly a fan of Oprah, either.

Also, I would like to know what is up with the see-through grey sweater you were rocking at the awards on Sunday. Did you know you could see through it to your man-boobs? Was that a deliberate desicion or a really bad stylist sanfu? Inquiring minds would like to know.

Sincerely not yours,
(ever),
Me

Dear Friday,

2008-05-20T10:10:00.000-07:00

Feel free to get here whenever you want. Seriously, if you want to step in and cut this week short, no one would think less of you. I would just love you more.

yours,

bored at work.

Dear Sales Guy from Pictage:

2008-05-19T13:29:00.001-07:00

First of all, I am not your girlfriend, you don't have to call me everyday.
Secondly, I am not your mother, and consequently don't need an update about your kids.
Third, I am not a friend, and don't need to chit-chat about the weather when you call.
Fourth, and this is the most important, I am not an interested customer, as I believe I said to you in our first conversation.

Please delete my number from your base of clients, and delete me from your life. Thank You.

Bothered to the point of being creeped out,
Me.

Dear Simon Cowell:

2008-05-15T11:48:00.000-07:00

I completely agree with your assessment of Fantasia's performance last night on American Idol. The only thing that saved it in my opinion was this face:

which was caught gleefully on camera for about two whole seconds. Thank you for bringing me just a tad bit of joy during that hot mess of a train wreck.

Still laughing -

P.S. button your shirt, you tool!

Dear Heart:

2008-05-14T14:48:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the Burger King last week. Twice.

Regretfully yours,
me

Dear Swell Season:

2008-05-06T10:09:00.000-07:00

Thank you. Just. . . thank you.

blissed out and yours -
me

Dear blue button up shirt I'm currently wearing:

2008-04-30T10:12:00.000-07:00

What's the deal man? I thought we had a good thing going. I've been wearing you once a week for the past couple months. Ever since I found you at Salvation Army, remember? I'm the one that saved you from being trapped between ugly embroidered sweatshirts and endless smelly polyester numbers? But you don't seem to be able to stop attracting various foods and beverages to yourself. I took the blame for the fruit cobbler juice we got on your sleeve. I even stain sticked it and thought we could put it behind us. But you and I both know last week's soda incident at work was no accident. Are you thirsty? hungry? Obviously so, because you just tried to absorb part of my creamy chicken I was eating for lunch. You're originally from Abercrombie & Fitch for pete's sake, I thought you had a little more class than that. Luckily, I think the spot will be only faintly noticeable by the time I get back to work. Pull yourself together dude! I don't want to have to send you back to the Salvation Army but if you keep this up, I'll have no choice.

Sincerely,

The girl who's wearing your hot mess

Dear lady behind me yesterday on Metcalf:

2008-04-29T08:26:00.000-07:00

Trying to light a cigarette, replace your phone battery, and see over the dog on your lap does not a good driving situation make.

Pull over.

Sincerely,
The lady you gave the middle finger to when you were too distracted to see I was there, and almost careened into the back of me. (Clearly my fault, I deserved that middle finger.)

Dear Slim-Fast Optima Peanut Butter Crunch 120 calorie snack bars:

2008-04-24T14:55:00.000-07:00

I though you were going to be lame. I admit, I did not hold much hope for you, especially after trying some of the other products in your line.

(I mean really, have you tasted whet your people call a meal bar? )

But oh, sweet, dear, lovely, delicious snack bar.....you are the answer to my midday drudgery, my post-mail stupor, you are the deliciousness that quenches my hunger.....and all because you my love, tatse exactly like a Butterfinger bar....

Thank you.

-Peanut butter-ally satisfied,
Me.